Longing
by TomMalfoy
Summary: Memories… Things to be cherished. Things to be shared. Too bad I never had any. A certain bathworker thinks about some things.


Disclaimer: Nope, dun own it.  
  
Memories... Things to be cherished. Things to be shared. Too bad I never had any.  
  
Sometimes I would wonder... Wonder what it would be like if I wasn't a worker here in the bathhouse. However, after a while, I would always just brush the thought off. Aburaya was my home, and it had been for as long as I could remember. It wasn't exactly a great life; we had to work for long hours until most of our body was aching, but all of us workers eventually go used to it. We received food, clothing, and made friends with the other employees of the bathhouse. I was pretty much content... Until that girl came.  
  
The girl, Sen, had seemed normal enough. Her features had been plain: brown hair, dark gray eyes, and that rather chubby face most small children have. None of us had known how special she was. In any case, by the time she took Yubaba's test, we are all inwardly hoping that she would choose right- myself included. When she guessed correctly, all of us cheered. Somehow this girl... This seemingly ordinary girl... Had captured our hearts. Yet, while I was shouting with the others, something else welled up inside me.  
  
Resentment.  
  
The thought was disturbing. Was I really so selfish? Why could I not just be happy for this girl that I considered to be my younger sister? This girl that had grown so close to my heart? I laughed bitterly to myself. I had known perfectly well why. It was because she had opened my eyes- my previously blind eyes- to the truth. And I hated her for that.  
  
****  
  
I cleaned up the mess the radish spirits had made. "Stupid creatures," I muttered to myself as I wiped up the spilled food and drink. When I had finished, I threw the dirty rag into a bucket of soapy water to soak. Having done this, I made my way to the spot where some of the other workers were already sleeping. Stretching out on the futon, I stared up at the ceiling. I could still remember what it had been like after Sen left. Things had continued as normal: we all had gone back to work as before.  
  
****  
  
At first, everything seemed fine. After a while, however, the monotonic duties of cleaning, cooking, and being, in essence, a servant to Yubaba started to bother me more and more. Constantly I would yearn for something more to life, and wouldn't know why my way of thinking had changed. One day, I realized. It... Was... All... Because... Of... That... Girl. She had left us behind, and soon Haku followed. Haku... That cold boy who was so distant before had fire in his eyes again. It was... Love. He cared so much that he went straight to Yubaba after she left, and demanded to take his leave. Of course, having remembered his name and all, the old hag couldn't really stop him. So he left, also.  
  
My resentment only grew stronger, as did my longing to be free. She had shown me what love really was, and with that came the blunt realization that I would never be able to obtain it. I hated that. I hated her. And as for freedom... Where was mine? It was all so unfair. I had helped her. We all had. Yet there was no 'happily ever after' for the workers who had to remain in the bathhouse.  
  
Then an idea came. Maybe, just maybe, I had once been from the human world, too. If I somehow regained my memories and remembered my name, I could gain precious liberty and leave this prison. It was then I started to try... Try so desperately to grasp things long forgotten. But one cannot touch what does not exist. In truth, my memories had ceased to be long ago. Finally, I gave the idea up. It wasn't going to happen. Being extremely persistent, however, I thought of something else. If I couldn't recall my past, I'd buy my freedom.  
  
Instead of buying little trinkets like before, I saved every bit of gold I got. I left it with Kamaji, who I knew would keep it safe. My hands became calloused due to the extra workload I asked for. When, after almost two years, the gold filled up ten large baskets, I confronted Yubaba. Before I went up to her floor, Kamaji gave me a reassuring smile and a thumbs-up. I gave a weak grin back.  
  
Going up the floors, my heart started to beat faster. Finally, I reached the large, gaudy place that was her home. I knocked on the huge double doors, and they opened. Walking slowly over to Yubaba, I started to speak, for her eyes said that she wanted me to hurry up.  
  
"I would like to buy my freedom. In return for my release, I'll pay you with this gold." I was sure... So sure that being the petty, greedy woman she was, she'd accept my offer. Either that, or pure, unbridled rage for me even considering such a thing. It was a risk I was willing to take. However, her reaction wasn't what I anticipated. She... Laughed...  
  
"Surely you must be joking," she cackled. "If you do not remember your name, I will give you nothing. Now go back to work." Face fallen, I made my way outside. Blinking back tears, I felt the logical part of me urge that I give up, but I shook my head. No. I *would* prevail. It would be too cruel otherwise.  
  
I came up with one, final plan. The other workers. If I could somehow, in some way, find someone that was like me, maybe we could convince the others to see the truth. So I tried to search, and all in vain. None of them could see... Fools. It was like asking a blind man to lead another blind man. My dream was hopeless. It always had been. Crying myself to sleep, I had tried to accept it.  
  
****  
  
I rolled over on the too- thin futon. Tomorrow, I would work until my hands blistered and bled, and the day after would be the same. Eventually, I would forget the foolish notion, or at least try to. In any case, it doesn't matter, for a person without memories or love is nothing. I have neither.  
  
I am... Nothing...  
  
The End  
  
A/N: Wheeeeee.... Done. This was all from Rin's POV. It sounds really OOC, but think about it. If you had a friend who just left after you had helped them and you were condemned to live forever while having nothing to live for, wouldn't you be pissed, too? *crickets chirp* Ok, so maybe it's just me... Oh well.  
  
I would like to dedicate this fic to the wonderful writer Mizura Volphen for being such a great (and crazy) friend. Thank you!!!  
  
Anyway, please review and the glowstick thing still applies for this fic. ^^ 


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